The Ebon Hawk Instant Messaging Archive
by CalliopeCalling
Summary: A goofy, random journey through the IM histories of the crew of the Ebon Hawk, as well as other memorable characters from KotOR. Features a scoundrel FemRevan and her devious ways.
1. Bastila's Computer

File One: Bastila's Computer

**Smuggler_Babe has now logged on.**

**Flyboy411 has now logged on.**

Smuggler_Babe: hey. rn't you supposed 2 be flying ship?

Flyboy411: Rn't you supposed to be talking with Bastila? She's been looking for you, she's going to be pissed if she finds you on her computer again.

Smuggler_Babe: damn it. :( gotta run. ttyl.

**Smuggler_Babe has now logged off.**

**battlemeditationgrrl has now logged on.**

battlemeditationgrrl: Carth Onasi! Why are you Instant Messaging in the middle of hyperspace? And who were you just talking to? Smuggler_Babe? That looks extremely inappropriate.

Flyboy411: Wouldn't you like 2 know.

battlemeditationgrrl: Tell me right now, or I'll come back to the cockpit!

Flyboy411: I hate you. I was talking to our fearless leader.

battlemeditationgrrl: :( That makes me very angry! She used my computer! #$*&#$.

Flyboy411: Woah there. What would ur Code have to say about that?

battlemeditationgrrl: …

Flyboy411: Go do something productive.

battlemeditationgrrl: :P

**battlemeditationgrrl has now logged off.**

**Smuggler_Babe has now logged on.**

Smuggler_Babe: good. ur still online

Flyboy411: NEthing for you, beautiful.

Smuggler_Babe: i was worried she'd find me and make me watch _The Datapad_ again.

Flyboy411: I didn't know she actually watched holovids.

Smuggler_Babe: she cries the whole time too.

Flyboy411: Lol. I'm not surprised.

Smuggler_Babe: lmao. this is why I keep u around. among other things…

Flyboy411: O no. She's back in the cockpit. I have to log off.

Smuggler_Babe: ok ttyl. again.

**Flyboy411 has now logged off.**

**battlemeditationgrrl has now logged on.**

battlemeditationgrrl: There you are! You're on my computer again, aren't you?

Smuggler_Babe: (Persuade/Lie) no I'm not.

battlemeditationgrrl: (Success) Whatever. Let's go watch _The Datapad_ together!

Smuggler_Babe: (Persuade) no. why don't u log off now and go eat cheetos by yourself in the cargo hold?

battlemeditationgrrl: (Success) Fine. :(

**battlemeditationgrrl has now logged off.**

**Flyboy411 has now logged on.**

Flyboy411: I'm sry babe, she forced me off the computer. I guess she found u. Do u have to leave now?

Smuggler_Babe: nope :) i am vry persuasive.

Flyboy411: U r so hott.

Smuggler_Babe: i know.

Flyboy411: Meet me in cockpit in three min?

Smuggler_Babe: sure thang.

**Smuggler_Babe has now logged off.**

**Flyboy411 has now logged off.**


	2. Holonet Creeps

File Two: Holonet Creeps

**Candyman696969 has now logged on.**

**Smuggler_Babe has now logged on.**

Candyman696969: Heyyy. UR sooo hawt. I've been watching U.

Smuggler_Babe: this is creepy. i'm logging off.

Candyman696969: Don't get upset, cupcake. I'm a very successful Mandalorian from Clan Ordo, in my mid-sixties. I have a very impressive #*!& and #$! that I know U want to see.

Smuggler_Babe: canderous? this is revan. u know, ur shipmate? leader?

Candyman696969: …. I kno.

Smuggler_Babe: :O wtf?

Candyman696969: What's the problem?

Smuggler_Babe: ummm u should probably stop now.

Candyman696969: Why would I want 2 do that, Revan? U are so hawt in battle and I get more excited watching U than when I use stimulants because U massacred all my people :) :) :) :)

Smuggler_Babe: wut.

Candyman696969: So how bout it? U want 2 dirrrty talk about WAR?

Smuggler_Babe: *vomiting *

**hornyhunter666 has now logged on.**

Smuggler_Babe: great. i'm assuming u guys r friends?

hornyhunter666: No. but I think you and I can be great friends. We met once in a cantina and then I looked up all ur pictures on SpaceBook and then found ur screen name.

Candyman696969: I looked at them first! And she is on my crew. I reserve the right to &#!$ her!

Smuggler_Babe: wut is wrong with u ppl.

hornyhunter666: Vry few human females come 2 Tatooine. that's where I'm from. :)

Smuggler_Babe: holy shit! now I remember u, u pervert!

**Flyboy411 has now logged on.**

Flyboy411: What the hell has been going on here?

Smuggler_Babe: carth! thank the force.

Candyman696969: Oh it's you, Carth. Just dropping by 2 say hi. Now I'm going to go. Bye.

**Candyman696969 has now logged off.**

Flyboy411: Was that Canderous? I am going to beat his ass!

hornyhunter666: oh well. I guess he can't handle competition. But I'm a hunter. I'm used to competition. Let me show u my moves, hunny.

Flyboy411: You talk 2 her with more respect, got it?

hornyhunter666: or what?

Flyboy411: Or I'll fly right back to Tatooine and knock ur teeth out, creep!

hornyhunter666: Who is he, ur dad?

Smuggler_Babe: no, my bf.

hornyhunter666: Fine, I'm leaving. give me a call if u want some fun! Tanis Venn at 425-8291 ;)

**hornyhunter666 has now logged off.**

Flyboy411: how did they get ur screen name?

Smuggler_Babe: no idea. maybe canderous haxxed my computer and then sent it over the holonet.

Flyboy411: Whatever. Meet u in cargo hold?

Smuggler_Babe: u kno it.

**Smuggler_Babe has now logged off.**

**Flyboy411 has now logged off.**


	3. The Dark Side

File Three: The Dark Side

**battlemeditationgrrl has now logged on.**

**STAR_fORGE has now logged on.**

STAR_fORGE: Hahahahaha! I have found you, Bastila! You WILL know pain, and eventually become my apprentice!

battlemeditationgrrl: What? How did you discover my screen name! I chose it very, very carefully to avoid detection!

STAR_fORGE: You R pathetic. To tell you the truth, Bastila, I typed in Battle Meditation on StarGoogle and your screenname was the first hit.

battlemeditationgrrl: $#*&!

STAR_fORGE: So much angerz dwelling within you, Bastila. You are going to be easy.

battlemeditationgrrl: Never! I'll never fall to the dark side! Never ever ever ever ever. So there. :P

STAR_fORGE: Here R the pros and cons of being a Sith.

battlemeditationgrrl: I'm logging out!

**Error msgbattlemeditationgrrl tried to log out, failed**

battlemeditationgrrl: What?

**Error msgbattlemeditationgrrl tried to log out, failed**

STAR_fORGE: You CAN'T! Hahaha! I had Saul Karath hack ur account to always remain open! You MUST stay here and listen to me!

battlemeditationgrrl: How dare you! You are nothing but an evil freak with no jaw! And your tight red shirt is hideous!

STAR_fORGE: Oh yes, succumb to ur angerz! Hahaha! (And btw, my red shirt is VERY attractive). Anyway, here are the pros and cons.

battlemeditationgrrl: I'm not listening. There is no emotion…

STAR_fORGE: First, the pros. You get to wield awesome power and kill people! :))) And Saul Karath bakes us all special Star Forge shaped cookies every day. AND you could attract hott men for once.

battlemeditationgrrl: Oh. I do like cookies…. Revan always takes mine. And a man would be nice. Revan always takes those too :'(

STAR_fORGE: Second, the cons. BUT WAIT, THERE ARE NONE! Hahaha!

battlemeditationgrrl: So, if I went to the dark side, men would like me? Kind of a 'fallen angel' appeal?

STAR_fORGE: I don't kno what u mean by fallen angel, but lots of hott men will like you. It has worked for me. That's how I got Saul :)

battlemeditationgrrl: Well… ok! I'll be your apprentice! Woohoo, cookies and men!

STAR_fORGE: Hahaha! That was like taking candy from a baby!

battlemeditationgrrl: I'm so evil now, it thrills me. This is fantastic. Why didn't I do this before? Oh, I'm so evil!

STAR_fORGE: So evil! Now come to the Star Forge and we'll have a party!

**Smuggler_Babe has now logged in.**

Smuggler_Babe: bastila. i knew something like this would happen, but seriously?

battlemeditationgrrl: Shut the heck up, Revan! I've turned to the dark side now. You will never bring me back to the light again! Never ever ever ever.

Smuggler_Babe: how badass of u.

STAR_fORGE: Newsflash, Revan. The dark side is badass. Unlike you. Hahaha!

battlemeditationgrrl: I refuse to take this from you, Revan. You should go now before I decided to take all your men. I'm hotter than you now, thanks to the Dark Side.

Smuggler_Babe: (Persuade) come back to the light, Bastila.

battlemeditationgrrl: (Failure) No thanks.

Smuggler_Babe: (Persuade) ok fine… I'll watch _The Datapad_ and _How to Lose a Scoundrel in 10 Days_ with u.

battlemeditationgrrl: (Success) You will, Revan? I'm light side again :)

STAR_fORGE: NOoOO!

**Flyboy411 has now logged in.**

Flyboy411: Hey Bastila, just letting u know that there was some kind of bug running through the computers. It said 'BastilaMustDIE', so I deleted it.

battlemeditationgrrl: Thanks, Carth!

**battlemeditationgrrl has now logged out.**

STAR_fORGE: WHAT? NOoO! I will try again… someday!

**STAR_fORGE has now logged out.**

Flyboy411: Alone at last, babe.

Smuggler_Babe: no I have 2 go watch movies with Bastila.

Flyboy411: What? No, how could that happen?

Smuggler_Babe: my first persuade failed.

Flyboy411: Damn. Make sure u get some persuade next level up, ok?

Smuggler_Babe: Ok.

**Smuggler_Babe has now logged out.**

**Flyboy411 has now logged out.**


	4. Wookiee Hair Loss

File Four : Wookiee Hair Loss

**Flyboy411 has now logged on.**

_*10 minutes pass*_

**Smuggler_Babe has now logged on.**

Flyboy411: Took u long enough. What's up?

Smuggler_Babe: sry. i was mediating a fight btween bastila and canderous. something about "meathead Mandalorian mercs" and "precious jedi princesses".

Flyboy411: What else is new?

Smuggler_Babe: my hot pink lingerie from Sith's Secret…. but you wouldn't b interested in that….

Flyboy411: Now hold on a minute, missy. I think I have a say in what interests me. ;)

Smuggler_Babe: not if i decide not to show you :P

Flyboy411: Now you're just teasing me.

Smuggler_Babe: u've never had a problem with that before….

Flyboy411: Damn it, you're the most stubborn woman I've ever met! I have half a mind to pull you over and spank you.

Smuggler_Babe: is that a promise? :)

Flyboy411: You just wait until the next StarStation, babe. I'm going to…

**ANTIMEATBAG47 has now logged on.**

ANTIMEATBAG47: Exasperated Query: Not that I have any particular interest in the mating rituals of meatbags, but *must* you carry on with the pilot in this fashion, Master? He could crash the ship, and then where would we be?

Smuggler_Babe: hi, HK. nice to c that u've joined the IM craze.

ANTIMEATBAG47: Clarification: Oh, I've been monitoring the "Instant Messaging" Archives listed on the local navicomputer for quite some time now. It has proven to be _very_… enlightening.

Flyboy411: So basically, you've been spying on us. Revs, this could be a trap!

ANTIMEATBAG47: Statement: Oh, don't worry, Master. If I wanted to spy on your shipmates, I have many more efficient methods of gaining information. My torture systems are kept in excellent order at all times for such purposes.

Smuggler_Babe: good 2 know. what made u decide to speak up?

ANTIMEATBAG47: Sneaky Explanation: While perusing the Ebon Hawk's files today, I found an interesting conversation that occurred last night. It concerns the old man in the medbay.

Smuggler_Babe: jolee? he told me he hated IM, said he "didn't understand these newfangled contraptions". cheeky old man. he probably lied about eating my sandwich in the cargo hold, too.

ANTIMEATBAG47: Amused Retort: While I usually refrain from using meatbag terminology, "cheeky" is indeed an appropriate adjective. Along with "grumpy", "ancient", and "insufferable", to use your own words, Master.

Smuggler_Babe: agreed.

Flyboy411: So, R you going to show us the convo?

ANTIMEATBAG47: Statement: Of course, sex-crazed Pilot. One moment.

**Transmission of Conversation. Stardate: 2,390 BBY. Month 10, Tuesday, 10:33 pm CST.**

**CrankyHermitInTheTrees has now logged on.**

CrankyHermitInTheTrees: hehehe. Now I can troll all over these forum boards about "Wookiee Hair Loss", just like I planned. I think I'll change my screen name.

HelpfulHairGuru: Hello, Jolee, you sexy old man.

HelpfulHairGuru: hehehe. This is too much fun. I love talking to myself.

**HelpfulHairGuru has joined the "Wookiee Hair Loss Remedy" Chatroom! **

Charrowl(translated from Wookieese): Hello, stranger. I see by your name that you are well-versed in helping those with hair loss. It is a serious problem that affects all Wookiees at some point in their life. It casts down their pride and makes them seem like fools.

mad_clawz: Yes, it does! I am in need of assistance, Kind Guru! My name is Zaalbar.

HelpfulHairGuru: Ahhhh, I will help you, Zaalbar. May I call you "Big Z"?"

mad_clawz: That is my favorite nickname!

Charrowl(translated from Wookieese): Venerable Guru, that is truly remarkable. You must be a prophet, for only the most powerful of prophets could predict a Wookiee's favorite nickname! How did you know?

HelpfulHairGuru: I know… many things. So what is your concern, young grasshopper?

mad_clawz: I inherited early hair loss from my father, Freyyr, who is now mad in the Shadowlands. And so I have been shedding hair like crazy all over the ship that I reside on.

HelpfulHairGuru: So your shipmates might say their "walking carpet" just became a literal carpet, hehehe.

mad_clawz: I do not get this joke.

HelpfulHairGuru: The Guru never jokes. It was a compliment, Big Z.

mad_clawz: Oh, that makes sense.

HelpfulHairGuru: Sooo, do your shipmates make unkind comments about the hair strewn across the floor?

mad_clawz: The most unkind, dear Guru! The human female named "Bastila" yells at me every day. I believe she once found several of my long, shiny hairs in her yogurt.

HelpfulHairGuru: How did those get there? That's disgusting.

mad_clawz: I do not know. I know it was not my fault. I think it was perhaps the leader of the ship, to whom I am bound with a life-debt. She enjoys making fun of the one called Bastila.

HelpfulHairGuru: Hehehe, that's funny. What a little sassafras.

mad_clawz: I still do not understand your humor. You must be human.

HelpfulHairGuru: No, I have simply lived among humans for many moons. I am a Wookiee, I swear to you.

mad_clawz: Then can you help me, oh Guru? I am sick of being blamed and shamed.

HelpfulHairGuru: Ahh, yes. You must bathe in blue Twi'lek shower oil, rubbing it all over your fur until you are a rich blue. Then run seven times around your ship covered in the oil, screaming "Free me from this degrading curse! I am a humble Wookiee!" After you have finished this ritual, you must kiss a non-Wookiee, perhaps this Bastila you speak of, and then drop on your knees and pray to the forest gods.

mad_clawz: That is an unusual method, oh Guru. But I will do as you say, first thing after lunch tomorrow. I wish to be free from the pain of my hair loss. I thank you eternally for your great wisdom.

**mad_clawz has now left the "Wookiee Hair Loss Remedy" Chatroom.**

**HelpfulHairGuru has now left the "Wookiee Hair Loss Remedy" chatroom.**

HelpfulHairGuru: Hehehehe! That was priceless. I can't wait for tomorrow.

CrankyHermitInTheTrees: There, much better. Hehehe.

**CrankyHermitInTheTrees has now logged off.**

**End of Transmission**

Flyboy411: Did you really put Zaalbar's hair in Bastila's yogurt?

Smuggler_Babe: … no one needs to know.

Flyboy411: hahahahahahahaha. I love you.

Smuggler_Babe: I know. :)

ANTIMEATBAG47: Amused Observation: According to my calculations, the Wookiee should begin performing the "ritual" prescribed by the old man at any moment.

Smuggler_Babe: yup, i hear screaming! I think it's starting.

Flyboy411: I hear it too, lol. Let's go watch. I'll put this thing on autopilot.

ANTIMEATBAG47: Excited Admission: I suppose it could prove highly educational to watch the humiliation of the Wookiee and of the irritating female called Bastila.

Smuggler_Babe: exactly. besides, who wouldn't want to watch Bastila's first kiss in progress?

Flyboy411: LOL.

Smuggler_Babe: :)

**Smuggler_Babe has now logged off.**

**Flyboy411 has now logged off.**

**ANTIMEATBAG47 has now logged off.**


End file.
